Tempered Fragility

I read a post over at Dooce.com today about Heather’s mental health, and the treatment that worked for her. When I read through the comments, I couldn’t believe how many people knew someone who thought that needing medication for a mental illness was ‘weak’, or they should ‘just get over it’. I too, know people who think you should just be able to ‘get over’ mental illness, or even that you are just ‘looking for attention’. Having suffered from severe social anxiety and depression from the age of 13, you can imagine that I would very happily tell those people to ’shove it up their ignorant asses’.

At the moment, I’m coping really well, and handling my social phobia to the point where I don’t feel nervous about going out. Or, should I say, I was coping. I have noticed over the last week or so that I have been very emotional and irritable. Upon thinking back, I realised that I have been neglecting to take my anti-depressant. For a week and a half, perhaps even two weeks. Because I was on a break from the pill, I hadn’t been taking my other, equally important pill either. This is apparently really common; people start to feel good, and they stop taking their medication. I didn’t do it deliberately this time, but I have in the past, and one thing I have learnt from that?

I (like Heather) absolutely must take my medication every day, without fail. I will have to do so every day, probably for the rest of my life, and I’m pretty much alright with that. I understand that it’s necessary, to stop me from wanting to throw myself off a bridge, or wanting to step in front of a train. It allows me to leave the house without suffering from diarrhoea, sweating, nausea, difficult breathing and a multitude of other symptoms that signify my unwillingness to face the outside world. Also, no mood swings when I’m on my medication. And that makes me a much nicer person to be around.

On my medication, I feel normal, and I act normal. People that I meet now are incredulous if they find out I have social phobia, they usually don’t believe it. Prior to being put on medication, people didn’t find out I had social phobia, because I never spoke to anyone, or went anywhere to meet new people. Of course, medication alone didn’t fix that; therapy was involved. I have just focused on medication so far because of the stigma attached to it by society.

I underwent what is known as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy via a counsellor who I was referred to by my GP. I think I was 18 at the time, and I had been on Faverin for roughly a year, sporadically. We scheduled 8 consecutive sessions so she could train my mind to look at things differently. The first session didn’t really leave me with much hope; she seemed just as overwhelmed by my history as every other counsellor I spoke to was. The next session though? Awesome. There is no other word for it. This woman, Mal, came equipped with ‘tools’ for me to use, in order to fight my social anxiety. After my third session, we called it quits; it seriously worked that well for me.

When I first heard about CBT, the idea of replacing negative thoughts with positive ones seemed a little far-fetched, much like saying, “Okay, now instead of thinking about dark clouds and rain, think about sunny blue skies. It will change the weather, I promise!” What I didn’t realise at the time is that you have to reach the positive conclusion in a logical manner. I believe that this made all the difference for me.

My mind would bring up an illogical fear, and I was able to fight it using logic. Example: I was worried about going to a birthday party, because of the people who would be there. The logical thought was, ‘You’ve known these people for five years; they’re going to be excited to see you.’ My mind would then say, ‘What if you embarrass yourself in front of everyone?’ The logical thought to counter it was, basically, remembering the other times I had been embarrassed, and telling myself that I would just laugh, and be embarrassed and people would move on, just like before.

Drawing on prior experiences is a big thing in CBT; if you’ve gone somewhere without incident a hundred times before, odds are that you can get there one more time without trouble. The logic behind this technique meant that it made sense to me. Also, no matter what direction the anxiety took I could block it. I still use this technique today, automatically. I don’t think about it any more, it has become second nature. I truly believe that CBT changed my like; I will be forever thankful to that counsellor for introducing me to it. Oh, and in the end? I got to the party, and they were excited to see me.

Mental illness is not something that one can ‘get over’, and it should be treated with the respect and seriousness that it deserves, both from the medical community and society as a whole. No one should feel embarrassed, or weak for seeking help, even if that help does involve taking a medicine everyday, even if everyone they know is opposed to the idea that they might not be able to cope with everyday life. If you can’t, don’t waste time feeling bad because you can’t do things; that only makes it worse! You are not alone, there are other people just like you, and if you and seek help, your quality of life will improve. Do it for yourself, and the people around you, sure.. but mainly for yourself.

At work last night:

Couple: “Do you guys have <incomprehensible movie title>?”
Me: “Pardon?”
Couple: “Do you have <still incomprehensible movie title>?”
Me: “How do you spell that?”
Couple: “Um, which part can’t you spell?”
Me: “Uh, the whole part?”

Turns out they were looking for Police Academy. Don’t I feel like an idiot for asking how to spell it?

Perhaps they should instead be looking for a guide on how to actually open one’s mouth when speaking, so that the words are comprehensible.

I was standing behind the counter at work the other day, and a lady came in with her 7 or 8 year old daughter. They stood at the end of the aisle, in full view of me, and the mother asked the daughter to go and ask me about some DVD’s. The daughter agreed, and right before she turned to go, the mother said:

“Speak slowly, and be patient - she’s new.”

She obviously had no idea that I wasn’t, in fact, new to the art of listening.

Today I visited my Mum and siblings, since I haven’t seen them for awhile. Actually, I’m still there, but because my whole family is very tech-oriented, I’m allowed to be on the computer while I’m here and they still count it as time spent with them. Plus, my Mum is trying to get the yo-yo on speed (otherwise known as Katie) to sleep, and, well.. that just isn’t a very pretty sight.

I’ve enjoyed my visit so far, although coming home always reminds me of how much I miss them, and how many things I’m not a part of any more. I’m just the older sister who lives away from home now, and I don’t hold as big a place in the family any more. I used to think the girls would still idolise me, and that my relationship with my family wouldn’t change. How very wrong I was!

I play two Ultima Online shards, neither one regularly, and I think the time has come to kind of choose one, and leave the other. They both have advantages and disadvantages, and I’m not looking forward to choosing, but it’s reached the point where I’m actually getting frustrated at the differences between them. Like, I’ll be on one and I’ll be wishing I had some of the features that the other has, and vice versa. We’ll see.

I finished the graphic design for my Mum’s blog a few days ago, and now I just have to code it. I don’t think it will be that difficult, because I basically just have to code the webpage and stick Wordpress elements into it. I hope it goes smoothly, and it doesn’t turn out lovely in Firefox and ripped to pieces in Internet Explorer.

Christmas is looming on the horizon, and this year I actually feel prepared for it. I have spent an AWFUL amount of money on Christmas this year, and that makes me incredibly happy. In my pants. (I don’t know where I heard that, but I’d love to remember.)

Having never been able to really spoil people due to me being a student and constantly poor, I’ve never really experienced that warm, happy glow you get when you spend a couple of hundred dollars on someone close to you. Like yourself, for example.

Oh yes, Santa has been good to me this year. Muahaha.

P.S - Mum, you better bring a trailer when you pick us up on Christmas Eve. Or at least an empty boot. =P

Missing man John Darwin constructed the plan to fake his own death with his wife Anne Darwin, who has apparently known of her husband’s whereabouts for the time he has been ‘missing’. Anne Darwin apparently gained £25,000 when her husband was declared officially dead, and a further £137,000 which paid out her mortgage pursuant to an insurance policy.

At this stage, police do not believe the sons were involved, or knew of the plot at all.

Imagine how horrible it must be for their sons, to know that their dad intentionally hid from them for five years, missed that much of their lives, just for the money. I know they’re adults, but it would still be a horrible feeling.

A New York window cleaner fell 47 stories today while clinging to a piece of scaffolding.

Despite being in critical condition in hospital, and his brother being killed in the fall, doctors say he is incredibly lucky. Around 50% of people who fall a mere four to five stories are killed, and almost everyone who falls 10 to 11 stories dies.

It is estimated that 37 year old Alcides Moreno and his brother, 30 year old Edgar Moreno fell at a speed of 124mph. In kilometres, their speed was almost 200km/h. Mr. Moreno has severe internal injuries, including blood clots on the brain. He also has numerous broken bones.

Can I just say, “Wow.” I can’t believe he survived a fall like that. I mean, we hear of people dying after falling off eight foot high ladders. This guy surfs down a 42 story building on a piece of scaffolding and survives? Lucky, very lucky. I hope he makes a full recovery; it would be incredibly cruel if he didn’t, after surviving the impact itself.