Yes, that’s right! I made it into TAFE this morning for Chemistry. Thank god. I got to do the solution prac, and do some revision, so it’s all good. Luckily I haven’t missed that much in Chemistry. I tried to post from TAFE today, but the computers there don’t allow FTP or something. Odd. I might have Gentil try and work out why. I also managed to get to Northland to buy a new hairbrush and some more lipgloss, which I was happy about.

I started working on factorising today; the first of many sheets that Penny gave me. I should have started them earlier, but I honestly wasn’t able to. Thankfully, I started to understand it fairly quickly and I should be able to catch up quickly. Over the next week I am going to work on some intense Biology revision in preparation for the Bio test.

Plus, we have a Chemistry test next Tuesday, on Stoichiometry. I’m actually not that worried about it; Stoichiometry is one of my favourite things about Chemistry.

My mother did a Google search for “tempered fragility” today and found out that my old 50Webs site is the first result! Wooo! I’m excited. =)

Alright, I’m off to have a shower and go to bed. I’m looking forward to tomorrow in a nervous kind of way, but today has given me confidence that I can get there tomorrow. =)

Congratulations Aleisha, the winner of BB07! Woooo!

Congratulations also to Zach, the runner-up. The votes were close, and Zach only lost by 2%!

Ah, it works. Now I can post from any computer, and still keep the files on my laptop synchronised. Woo! Debbie gave me a new USB drive today, which was good. Only 512MB though, but still. I may invest in a 4GB one eventually, but for now this one should be enough.

Things haven’t been too good for me lately, which is why I haven’t been posting. I haven’t been able to attend classes, and have lacked motivation for anything school related. The problem, once I worked it out, was fairly simple; I had been made to feel uncomfortable in the classroom environment. This has been an ongoing issue for me now for about 7 years, and is unfortunately something that I will possibly always struggle with. The person in question made me feel attacked and embarrassed, when all I was trying to do was be helpful, and as such I found myself unable to attend classes.

On Friday I was able to get to the park across the road from campus, but couldn’t push myself to go further. Every time I think about attending class I start to feel sick and stressed. I have trouble breathing, I get a headache, and sometimes my stomach starts to hurt. During the times when these episodes are occurring, I cry a lot, sometimes for no reason, and I have trouble sleeping and eating. Often I become snappy and irritable, and begin thinking that I will never be able to go to class again.

It used to only take a small incident to upset me and have me in the state I’ve described above, and things have improved a great deal. However, I’m still struggling. Walking out of my front door is still a challenge. Sometimes when the phone rings I still panic. I still blush every time I speak in public, or even one on one with a new person. And, I still become depressed and suffer from severe anxiety when an incident causes me to feel uncomfortable in a certain situation.

The difference between the present and the past are simple: anti-depressants, cognitive behavioural therapy, and experience. I am able to analyse my thoughts and feelings so much more now as compared to then. I recognise the warning signs more often, and am usually able to take steps to stop the anxiety from escalating. This incident caught me off guard, though. I tried to simply blow it off, and that was a mistake. If I had admitted how it made me feel in the first place, I would have been better equipped to deal with the inevitable anxiety and depression.

One of the worst things about suffering from social phobia is the fact that people usually don’t really understand it. The idea of being so terrified of being placed in a social situation that you become physically sick seems to make people think that I’m a hypochondriac, or that I’m faking it to get attention. I remember in high school, that’s what many of my teachers thought. I think my classmates thought I did it to get out of going to class, or to get extensions on work and assignments. I know that those aren’t the reasons, though.

I definitely do not want attention of the sort that social phobia brings about. I hate discussing my illness with other people, because I can’t explain why it happens, and that seems to be what everyone wants to know. Also, it’s very difficult to give a definitive answer as to when things will improve, because I simply don’t know. I can predict, and hope, but not accurately. Sometimes there are unexpected setbacks, and sometimes it just takes a little longer than other times.

Now that I have vented about this, I’m hoping that the anxiety over tomorrow will lessen enough for me to attend Chemistry first thing in the morning. *crosses fingers* Wish me luck! =)

I have begun playing on Sorcerors Quest recently, a POL shard that the rest of my family play also. I created a character called Celeste Luen, and have begun developing her roleplay on the SQ boards. Eventually I hope to have a separate blog/site for her story. I’ve also bought a new house for LaNaya, and am in the process of decorating it. Once I am done, I hope to post some screenshots here. I like screenshots. =)

NOTE: The ‘Daily List’ project has been put on hold for the time being. Once I resume posting frequently, it will become active again.

Just testing whether or not posting from Thingamablog that has been installed on a USB stick will work or not.. *crosses fingers*

“I’m not really high enough on the food chain for people to notice I’m not there.”

A guy at Thornbury Station (EONS ago), when asked by his companion if he’d get into shit for being late to work.

You’d think his immediate boss would notice.. apparently not. I’d like his job. =P I just found this in my phone, I saved it as a memo so I would remember to blog about it. It worked, eventually.

Last night, Katie came down to my room because she felt sick. She may have been intentionally sent down by my mother because she possesses psychic abilities and knew what was going to happen, but anyhow. I got her into my bed, and rubbed her back and such. She cuddled down. Then, just as I was going to get up, her face went pale and she sat up, clutching her tummy. Silly me, I thought she was just in pain. I have never been more wrong in my life. As I put my arm around her, she bent over and threw up all over the bed, the floor, herself and me. And my just-washed-that-night doona.

We went and got a towel to try to clean up a bit, and she threw up all over that, too. So, Dwain immediately says, “I’ll go get Mum.” Even though I agreed, because he was looking a little sick himself, in my mind I was thinking, ‘Why?’ You see, my mother doesn’t cope well with vomit. Not at all. So it wasn’t as though she was actually going to come down and clean it up, now was she? Anyway, now my room stinks, and I have to rewash my doona, and it was all a generally yukky experience.

Not as bad as Stephen vomiting first in his doorway and then ACROSS the hallway that one time; there was no wall scrubbing involved in this incident. Still, not nice to have to deal with late at night, either.

In other news, I’m not feeling very well today. I’m pretty sure it’s on account of nerves, alhough why, I couldn’t tell you. Perhaps because I missed a few doses of my meds? I’m not sure. I know that I should be leaving for TAFE right now, in fact should already be there, but I can’t seem to force myself to leave. These type of incidents tend to dishearten me somewhat, as they bring home the fact that I don’t always overcome the anxiety. I usually do, but not always.. and from what I can tell, that’s how it is going to be for my whole life. It’s quite a depressing thought, actually.

I have a major Biology report due tomorrow and I’ve hit a mind block.

Ugh.