My brother bought a budgerigar the other day, a tiny little blue thing with no tail feathers. It spends most of it’s time hopping backwards and forwards along the back of the cage, and chirping. I never noticed this before, but budgies chirp and tweet in a way that makes you want to claw out your own ear drums.

I wish I was exaggerating, really.

The budgie – which he called Beowulf – is also pretty stupid. In fact, I think you could call it retarded, even. It scrambles all over it’s cage, literally dragging itself up by it’s claws onto perches and then flopping back onto the bottom of the cage again. And, earlier? It was sitting on it’s food tray, eating a little bit, right?

Then it stopped, and SLID RIGHT OFF THE PERCH. Seriously: retarded.