Ah, it works. Now I can post from any computer, and still keep the files on my laptop synchronised. Woo! Debbie gave me a new USB drive today, which was good. Only 512MB though, but still. I may invest in a 4GB one eventually, but for now this one should be enough.

Things haven’t been too good for me lately, which is why I haven’t been posting. I haven’t been able to attend classes, and have lacked motivation for anything school related. The problem, once I worked it out, was fairly simple; I had been made to feel uncomfortable in the classroom environment. This has been an ongoing issue for me now for about 7 years, and is unfortunately something that I will possibly always struggle with. The person in question made me feel attacked and embarrassed, when all I was trying to do was be helpful, and as such I found myself unable to attend classes.

On Friday I was able to get to the park across the road from campus, but couldn’t push myself to go further. Every time I think about attending class I start to feel sick and stressed. I have trouble breathing, I get a headache, and sometimes my stomach starts to hurt. During the times when these episodes are occurring, I cry a lot, sometimes for no reason, and I have trouble sleeping and eating. Often I become snappy and irritable, and begin thinking that I will never be able to go to class again.

It used to only take a small incident to upset me and have me in the state I’ve described above, and things have improved a great deal. However, I’m still struggling. Walking out of my front door is still a challenge. Sometimes when the phone rings I still panic. I still blush every time I speak in public, or even one on one with a new person. And, I still become depressed and suffer from severe anxiety when an incident causes me to feel uncomfortable in a certain situation.

The difference between the present and the past are simple: anti-depressants, cognitive behavioural therapy, and experience. I am able to analyse my thoughts and feelings so much more now as compared to then. I recognise the warning signs more often, and am usually able to take steps to stop the anxiety from escalating. This incident caught me off guard, though. I tried to simply blow it off, and that was a mistake. If I had admitted how it made me feel in the first place, I would have been better equipped to deal with the inevitable anxiety and depression.

One of the worst things about suffering from social phobia is the fact that people usually don’t really understand it. The idea of being so terrified of being placed in a social situation that you become physically sick seems to make people think that I’m a hypochondriac, or that I’m faking it to get attention. I remember in high school, that’s what many of my teachers thought. I think my classmates thought I did it to get out of going to class, or to get extensions on work and assignments. I know that those aren’t the reasons, though.

I definitely do not want attention of the sort that social phobia brings about. I hate discussing my illness with other people, because I can’t explain why it happens, and that seems to be what everyone wants to know. Also, it’s very difficult to give a definitive answer as to when things will improve, because I simply don’t know. I can predict, and hope, but not accurately. Sometimes there are unexpected setbacks, and sometimes it just takes a little longer than other times.

Now that I have vented about this, I’m hoping that the anxiety over tomorrow will lessen enough for me to attend Chemistry first thing in the morning. *crosses fingers* Wish me luck! =)

I have begun playing on Sorcerors Quest recently, a POL shard that the rest of my family play also. I created a character called Celeste Luen, and have begun developing her roleplay on the SQ boards. Eventually I hope to have a separate blog/site for her story. I’ve also bought a new house for LaNaya, and am in the process of decorating it. Once I am done, I hope to post some screenshots here. I like screenshots. =)

NOTE: The ‘Daily List’ project has been put on hold for the time being. Once I resume posting frequently, it will become active again.