Tempered Fragility

My two week break from classes has officially started.

I had an editing exam yesterday, on proofreading and copyediting, and it wasn’t as stressful as I thought it would be. I completed everything within the time limit, managed to resist the urge to correct the exam instructions (TWO errors, on the very first pages), and I’m feeling pretty good about it. Naturally, I’m aiming for a distinction or higher, but I’ll be happy with anything above a pass.

The biggest thing on my mind right now, though, is this blog. I’m considering changing the domain name. I chose temperedfragility.com almost three years ago, and lately it just seems.. meh. I don’t know, but I’m not happy with it. I’d really like a domain with my first name in it, that will still seem suitable in a few years when I’m working and then years after that when I have kids, and a mortgage and so on.

I suppose I feel like I’ve outgrown the name.

I’m still thinking about it right now, but when I find a new name (and I WILL, eventually) I’m just going to go ahead and change it. I don’t have a huge readership, so the move isn’t going to cause major issues. All of the old posts and comments will be moved across, I can get a theme actually up and running before I make the switch, and I won’t feel like I’m posting to some angsty teenager’s blog by mistake.

I haven’t made a secret of the fact that I’m a quiet, introverted person.

Something I’ve noticed this year, though, is that I’m much quieter in class. I’m not sure exactly why. Different teachers? New classmates? No idea. What I do know, is that I’m back to blushing every time someone looks at me, and stammering when the teacher asks me a question.

It’s frustrating, considering how confident I was last year. And although I’m not stressing more than usual, the panic is crowding me a little now. I can feel myself slipping backwards, slowly. Just a little at a time, but isn’t that how it starts? Two steps backwards.

Maybe being aware of it isn’t enough.

I know how to go about getting support. That isn’t the issue. The issue is that I’ve been drug-free for two years now, and maybe this has been an eventual decline. Maybe this has been happening slowly for the last two years, and I’m only just now catching on.

My doctor warned me that not having the medication would be difficult. She thought I could do it, though. So did I. From where I’m standing right now, though, facing the rest of the year and then the years after that? It doesn’t seem so easy. The end result doesn’t seem worth the struggle.

Sometimes it’s easier to give up.

Yesterday, my photography class was given a task. We had to go out, either alone or in groups, and photograph a small area around our building. Specifically, we had to show the difference between four streets.

The point was to find interesting things in the ordinary. We see the streets everyday, so they don’t fascinate or intrigue us any more. For my first walk down Lygon Street, I took boring photos of traffic and buildings. It  wasn’t until I turned the corner that I started to enjoy myself and actually look for unusual things.

Most people, when I bumped into them, were whining about not having any inspiration. I can completely understand that. It was difficult to start with, really strange to try and visualise such a familiar place through new eyes. By the end, though, I was noticing a million different things that I hadn’t seen before.

There are more on Flickr, if you care to look.

I wish I had something other than whine to offer, but I don’t.

School work is all consuming, and distractions lurk around every corner.

It doesn’t help that I have to work at a computer.

So. Play her off, Keyboard Cat!

You’re welcome.

School work is killing me right now.

Seriously, it appears to be endless. Just when I think I’m coming to the end, I realise that something else has to be worked on. I know that it’ll be over at the end of this year, and I know every student feels like this, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I want my weekends to myself again. I want to be able to relax at the end of the night and not worry about writing 2,500 words about the evolution of desktop publishing.

Working probably won’t be much better, but at least I’ll have new stuff to whine about.

Also: money.

I’ve often thought it would be easier to blog under an assumed name (or a nickname), instead of being open about who I am. Not because I want to post about things that aren’t appropriate, but because it’s weird telling my Nana something, only to have her say, “Oh, yes. Uncle Rod told me about that.” because my uncle reads my blog. It’s strange, not being able to write about things without family reading it.

So, I toyed with the idea of abandoning this place and starting up somewhere else. Anonymous, a cute nickname, no pictures, no references to places or people or landmarks. One big problem: I still want to comment on other people’s blogs. I may not have found my own distinctive style yet, but I’m pretty sure people would figure out who the whiny Australian used to be.

It’s also rather deceptive, suddenly switching names and interacting as a different person. I’d feel kind of creepy, and more than a little dishonest. Plus, if I took the easy way out, I wouldn’t be able to whinge about how my friends and family are cramping my style and I can’t write and wah wah wah. And that wouldn’t be any fun at all.

So! I’m still alive, and to celebrate that? I give you a list of stuff:

• I paid a ridiculous amount of money for an iPhone. I don’t regret it.
• I am still maintaining a weight below 70kg.
• I’m not swimming, because I have terrible tooth and jaw pain right now, and swimming (or any exercise, such as walking to the train station) causes the pain to become more severe.
• The dentist thinks my teeth are shot, but he has to keep patching the holes. Public healthcare fails.
• I’m looking for a private dentist.
• I’ve given up drinking Coca Cola. Impossible, you say? It’s true! (This is a combination of my teeth, my weight, and a ridiculous need to be healthy that develops twice a year. I’m giving it a month.)
• I have more homework than should be legal to assign.
• I am procrastinating less. By necessity, not choice.
• I am, apparently, blogging again.
• I’m still making everything about me. As it should be.

And that concludes my fascinating, insightful update. As you were, peasants.

My laptop (who will not be named, because what was I thinking when I started that crap? And also: I’m no good at naming things.) is finally back, and seems to be working as it should. Despite the time it took to have the damn thing fixed, I have been pleased with the performance. I’m also glad I bought the extended warranty, because seriously? Not happy about the sensitivity of the DVD-RW drive.

Other things I am not happy about include having to re-install all of my programs, forgetting my purse this morning, and having to walk all over the city to get things done today.

Today also happens to be my first day of classes. This year my schedule is a little different; two classes on Wednesday and two on Thursday. It means I’ll be in class for eight hours straight, but I won’t waste as much time traveling. Last year, I spent fifteen hours a week travelling to twenty hours of classes. It was completely ridiculous, and I want to spend as little time on public transport as possible this year.

I’d also like to apologise to the people who have e-mailed me, asking what happened to the archives. The short answer is: I don’t know. The long answer is: I changed some settings and then I lost my password and then my laptop stopped working and I went insane for two weeks and now I can’t really remember what I changed or where and I think maybe I edited a theme file.

So. That will be fixed eventually as soon as possible. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

It feels good to be back.