Tempered Fragility

The renewal for this domain name is coming up.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet. I haven’t decided.

I have until August, though.

Surely I can make up my mind by then?

My two week break from classes has officially started.

I had an editing exam yesterday, on proofreading and copyediting, and it wasn’t as stressful as I thought it would be. I completed everything within the time limit, managed to resist the urge to correct the exam instructions (TWO errors, on the very first pages), and I’m feeling pretty good about it. Naturally, I’m aiming for a distinction or higher, but I’ll be happy with anything above a pass.

The biggest thing on my mind right now, though, is this blog. I’m considering changing the domain name. I chose temperedfragility.com almost three years ago, and lately it just seems.. meh. I don’t know, but I’m not happy with it. I’d really like a domain with my first name in it, that will still seem suitable in a few years when I’m working and then years after that when I have kids, and a mortgage and so on.

I suppose I feel like I’ve outgrown the name.

I’m still thinking about it right now, but when I find a new name (and I WILL, eventually) I’m just going to go ahead and change it. I don’t have a huge readership, so the move isn’t going to cause major issues. All of the old posts and comments will be moved across, I can get a theme actually up and running before I make the switch, and I won’t feel like I’m posting to some angsty teenager’s blog by mistake.

I haven’t been writing here lately.

I add ‘write a blog post about <something>’ to my to-do list everyday, but so far it remains unchecked. Not because I have nothing to say, or don’t know how to say it, but because I worry. A lot.

People read this now, people who interact with me face-to-face. I don’t know exactly who, but I’m guessing from the searches that are showing up (lisa fraser, lisa fraser writing, tempered.fragility) that people from my classes last year became curious when my blog was mentioned. Which is cool. Kind of.

Yet, at the same time, it really isn’t.

Every time I open my blog and prepare to write, I worry about how people will take it. I wonder about what they’ll think; of my writing, of my opinon, of this little space I’ve crafted for myself. And each time a family member or friend begins reading, I censor myself a little more.

Which is stupid, completely. There is nothing written on this blog that I wouldn’t say out loud, in front of people, to people. I can’t think of a single post that I’m ashamed of. There are probably posts in the archives that - if found by a potential employer - could cause some damage, but nothing horrendous.

I wouldn’t take anything back, that’s for sure. I’ve never published a post without thinking. I just, you know, worry. What if no one else finds this funny? What if they think I’m judgmental, or crazy, or a nasty person? What if they make fun of me? What if they think I’m an idiot?

So, basically, I’m suffering from blogging social phobia.

Until it passes, I’ll be fixing this place up a little. Blogroll, archives, theme, who knows?

My laptop (who will not be named, because what was I thinking when I started that crap? And also: I’m no good at naming things.) is finally back, and seems to be working as it should. Despite the time it took to have the damn thing fixed, I have been pleased with the performance. I’m also glad I bought the extended warranty, because seriously? Not happy about the sensitivity of the DVD-RW drive.

Other things I am not happy about include having to re-install all of my programs, forgetting my purse this morning, and having to walk all over the city to get things done today.

Today also happens to be my first day of classes. This year my schedule is a little different; two classes on Wednesday and two on Thursday. It means I’ll be in class for eight hours straight, but I won’t waste as much time traveling. Last year, I spent fifteen hours a week travelling to twenty hours of classes. It was completely ridiculous, and I want to spend as little time on public transport as possible this year.

I’d also like to apologise to the people who have e-mailed me, asking what happened to the archives. The short answer is: I don’t know. The long answer is: I changed some settings and then I lost my password and then my laptop stopped working and I went insane for two weeks and now I can’t really remember what I changed or where and I think maybe I edited a theme file.

So. That will be fixed eventually as soon as possible. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

It feels good to be back.

So, I’ve been absent for a little while. Five days, to be exact, and since I usually blog everyday or every second day, that’s kind of a big deal but since no one is hanging on my every word and waiting for me to post it really doesn’t matter, right? *deep breath* Anyway. I’ll explain while I’ve been away, then we can get on with it.

A couple of months ago, I discovered some really awesome blogs. Like, read every day and have a laugh type blogs. And through those blogs, I found some more blogs, which I also quite liked. And then, just as I was sort of settling into the groove of these shiny NEW blogs, the shit hit the fan, and the blogosphere folded in on itself.

Although none of it affected me personally, seeing the drama unfold made me think. I didn’t post at first, but it was on my mind. People were being attacked, with material that they had posted, the very material that had helped forge the friendships and connections with the bloggers that were now turning on them.

Blogs were closed. Insults were thrown. Relationships were destroyed.

And I know, I’m over here in my little corner of the blogosphere, and I’m not one of the big movers and shakers. I’m not talked about, or really known about at all, and I wasn’t even personally involved, so why would it affect me? The answer is really simple: I was beginning to care about the people who were involved.

As bloggers, we share our stories and our lives freely. We put no limits on who can read about our children, our family or our relationships. We post embarrassing stories, make fun of others, and create friendships through our writing. The recent drama has proven that being so open can, will and does backfire.

In a major explosion and fanning of shit, no less.

So, for the last week, I’ve been thinking about the drama. It has made me look at my blogging differently, but not in the way you might expect. Britt recently posted - in a response to the drama, almost - something along the lines of ‘you get hurt in real life, as well as online’. She’s completely right.

Betrayal, revenge, pettiness, jealousy. Those things - those dark, sneaky and horrible things - are a part of life. They’re human traits, human emotions. And shit happens, doesn’t it? Whether it’s on the internet or during your lunch break at school, shit happens. People lie, or cheat, or break your heart.

Online and off, we survive.

Despite the potential for backlash, I am going to continue being open and honest on my blog. I will continue posting about my life, and I will do so without fear or doubt. It’s not about rights so much. It’s about strength. I know that I am strong enough to defend my online life against potential haters.

And, this week? I will go back to commenting on other people’s blogs.

I wanted to sit and write tonight, but now that I’m here, I find that I don’t actually have all that much to say. I’ve been relaxing this weekend, not doing much of anything - except for Guild Wars and The Sims 2 - and although life has gone on around me, nothing much has really happened.

I joined a blogging community called ‘20 Something Bloggers‘, since Bronnie invited me, and I liked what I saw while I was poking around. There are a lot of really awesome blogs on there, and let me tell you something: it is a really good thing that I’m not blogging to get famous, because there is NO WAY I can compete.

Just the number of blogs in existence is staggering, and when you begin to read them, you figure out very quickly which are the popular ones, and which aren’t. Mine will never be popular; I don’t blog about sex, I don’t have kids, and I certainly don’t post hilariously detailed snippets of my life every other day.

I feel like it should bother me, like I should care about how many people visit every day. I don’t though, not really. I check my blog stats maybe once a week; it’s not a priority for me, and I’m never horrified by the number, despite my excitement that one time. I just don’t care whether people are entertained, or not.

God, that sounds so nasty, doesn’t it? Don’t take it to mean that I don’t care about the people who DO read here everyday, who read about my life and keep coming back for more. I do, and I love it when people comment, or e-mail, or randomly add me to MSN. I’m just saying, if those people didn’t exist, I would still blog.

I’ve been talking about blogging a lot lately, haven’t I? Perhaps if I had left the house over the weekend, I’d have more to say. But I am lazy, plain and simple, and I had the option to sit around and play games, and I mean seriously, who would pass that up? It was glorious, every single second of it.

Even when the kids were whining at Mum and me about hunger, or something.

So, I found a post today on LifeHacker about blogging tools that make the process less painful. Even though I’ve never found blogging painful, I know inserting links and pictures can be frustrating at times, so I read through it. In the comments, there were a million and one people praising Windows Live Writer.

I should first of all say - in my defence - I am a naturally curious person. I like trying new things, and if there is a popular computer program that I haven’t tried, I will download it and see what the fuss is all about. Because generally, popular computer programs are awesome computer programs, yes?

I tell you this so you understand how I came to be writing this post on Windows Live Writer, a Microsoft creation. At the risk of sounding like a corporate drone, I really like this program. It shows me how my paragraphs will look on my blog, and I LIKE even paragraphs; I’m a little pedantic about them being the same length.

Using the default Wordpress editor is great, don’t get me wrong. Often though, I would type up a post and my beautifully crafted paragraphs (don’t laugh!) would be uneven. The horrors, seriously. And at first, I would go and try to edit them, with varying levels of success. After a while though, I couldn’t be bothered.

At the back of my mind, it always annoyed me, though. Like having an absolutely gorgeous dress, that makes you look and feel beautiful, but there’s that one part about it that you don’t quite like. A seam, or maybe the straps aren’t quite as thin as you’d like. Or maybe the hem doesn’t flow as well as you’d like.

Or maybe I’m just a little anal about things like paragraph length. Entirely possible.